Canovanograms - Jim's TALES FROM MY VAULT

The year 1970 found Jim and Bill quite comfortably set, working for a steel subcontracting company called Specialty Service in Dearborn, Michigan. They did everything, practically running the entire company as detailer/estimators and sales-engineers. Specialty Service represented a manufacturer, Vulcraft Steel out of Alabama and peddled their structural steel products to construction projects in the greater Detroit area. It was a three man operation. Larry (owner and boss)… and ‘the team’. Bill and Jim were now 25 years old …but to Larry and his wife Martha they were “the boys”. And boys they were expected to be. The entire company was run from Larry’s residence ( in the basement) and when old Martha yelled her little “LUNCH” call, Larry (Daddy) and ‘the boys’ were expected to march upstairs into the kitchen where the four would eat Campbell’s soup and a bologna sandwich with a nice glass of milk. Everyday. Nobody was to “go out” for lunch. They were ‘the boys’ and they were to listen attentively to Daddy brag about ‘moving mountains’ in the good ole’ days while Mommy would dance about clucking like a mother hen and competing with the boss for attention.

Sometimes when feeling especially robust, Larry would yell out a musical verse of “ I LIKE MOUNTAIN MUSIC” in macho and noisy manner. Though expected to be docile and obedient, Bill and Jim were treated and paid exceptionally well. So they stayed, playing the role of the sons Larry and Martha never had. For all intents & purposes, they were ‘the Nelsons’, to coin an old TV phrase. Larry would even infer to customers that he was their father. Every day was the same. Lunch with Ozzie & Harriet!

Larry was a big strapping hunk of a man who at age 60 had the look and demeanor of some hard edged general in a John Wayne movie. During most days, Harriet …er …Martha would manage to bustle on down to the basement to do snippets of laundry…or maybe just run noisily up and down the stairs so that everybody knew she was wearing her high heeled shoes! She was a tiny little thing who fancied herself worshipped and beloved by all (especially her captive ‘sons’). A lively, vivacious ‘Belle of the Ball’ and some sort of legend in her own mind. She loved finding any excuse imaginable for showing off her vein-laced bony legs (which she apparently believed were shapely and smooth). Sometimes she would sit in her prettiest summer cotton dress at the top of the stairs and call to the boys for some “advice” on this or that. Although Jim got some amusement from this, Bill found it incredibly indelicate and unpleasant. There were even times when she would pull one of the ‘boys’ off his drawing board and take him out for the day to the family cemetery where the lucky stooge would leisurely help her plant flowers and manicure graves for her departed loved ones. The boys considered it a respite and a break in the monotony.

But “Lunch” was the main event everyday. That’s when she got the whole family to sit with her in the kitchen and listen to her Southern Belle chit-chat. Martha even had a black maid that she loved to fawn over. “Don’t you just LOVE her”, she would sing, “My big black girl”. And the big black girl would say, “Yassm’m’” though she was well into her 70’s.

Yup, lunch was the big event. And on this day she banged a couple empty pots together and yelled down the stairs, “LUNCH. LUNCH… YOU GOTTA’ EAT’A BUNCH!”.

Today Larry was on an outside assignment so he was able to skip the performance. When the lunch call came, it was just Bill and Jim who slid off their stools and hungrily climbed the stairway to the kitchen. As the boys seated themselves, the old lady announced for them, one of her occasional “special culinary treats”. Martha considered herself quite artistic and inventive …and on this occasion she proclaimed that along with their bologna sandwiches, the boys would be treated to her new Jell-O dish. When she produced the bowl with its red glimmering contents, Bill exclaimed,“Wow. That DOES look good. Did you say that it’s a NEW recipe?”

“V-8?” replied the boys simultaneously. Jim studied Bill’s face with amusement and trepidation as Martha glopped a nice helping on the plate that would normally house a bland but safe bowl of Campbell’s soup. The lad’s face belied a reasonable amount of apprehension. Martha couldn’t even make a decent tuna salad …and today …she has INVENTED a Jello recipe??

The team KNEW this could be a bad one. It wouldn’t be the first. They looked down at the red bouncing gift on each of their platters.

It was salty …and HORRIBLE. Good Lord! What unsavory things had been dumped into THIS concoction??!

Jimmy fought off a strong urge to spit it back onto the plate. He swallowed with difficulty. “Tastes GREAT!” he boomed in his most upbeat voice. “Try it, Bill!”

For Jim, the worst was over. He KNEW that not one further ounce of this stuff would enter his mouth. Ever! BUT how to accomplish this without offending the proud chef?

“Enjoy” sang Martha as she sashayed back to the bread and bologna counter. Jimmy observed Bill’s puss as he stared at the new “invention” of hers. He hated trying new things. Especially here. Jim smiled evilly. He knew this guy inside and out and he saw fear in Billy’s expression. Bill’s demeanor went from bad to worse when the slop entered his mouth. He could barely swallow and was fighting an urge to gag.

Bill screwed up his courage and decided to ‘get it over with’. After five large spoonfuls he managed to wolf down his entire portion of the offensive Jell-O. And Jimmy hatched a plan. While Bill pushed the last glob down his throat (and with Martha’s back turned) Jim quickly shoveled his jello on to Bill’s plate.

Bill turned to her and croaked, “It’s good.” He then quickly re-shoveled the ill gained portion back upon Jim’s plate. Jimmy looked at Martha. She was cutting the completed sandwiches and still facing away. WOOSH! Jim repeated the transfer to Bill’s plate!

“I knew you’d like it!” hummed the bubbling host. Bill didn’t hear her as he attempted a desperate redeployment of the red-menace …but Jim was ready this time, pulling his empty plate out of his adversaries reach!

The boys had no time for further combat. Martha was back, serving the sandwiches.

“C’mon Bill. Eat. EAT! Jim’s way ahead of you” she intoned as the unwelcome blob still quaked on his dish.

Bill shot Jim a glance that belied both exhaustion and murderous intent. How Jim loved it!

“Yes. I’m eating.” Billy replied, spooning another horrid mouthful of the ungodly mess.

Martha was in the fridge getting milk when a resolute Billy boy quickly slid the red OOZE onto his napkin and gently pulling the sides over to hide the mess. Drawing up the corners he realized he had created something of a bag and optimism began to swirl in his pessimistic noggin.
Carefully gripping his stash, Bill rose to his feet announcing, “Gotta go to the bathroom. Be right back” and left the room.

As Martha approached the table with glasses of milk she stumbled as if avoiding something on the floor. “OOHH! What’s THAT?!” she cried.

And right there on the floor, by Bill’s empty chair, was a piece of wet napkin with a hefty portion of blood red gunk on it. Jim suddenly realized Bill’s impromptu bag had been structurally unsound!

Jim stared and frowned …unable to think. “I guess maybe Bill didn’t care for it that much” offered Jimmy nervously.

As Bill returned from what he thought was a successful “napkin flush” he overheard Jim’s remark about Bill not liking his Jello. “WHAT THE HELL”he thought, “Why is he telling her THAT??!”

He turned the corner and entered the kitchen to the strange sight of folks staring ominously at a vibrating chunk of V-8 Jell-O on the floor. That was the moment when the exhilaration of ‘triumph over adversity’ began to deteriorate and the agony of a new reality began to swirl in his tortured noggin.

HA ha hah! Man , oh Man …Jimmy sure got Bill
THAT time!
‘Course, they each got PUH-LENTY of turns being the
victim. Like that time Jim unwittingly sat on six thumb-
tacks placed on his wooden chair by his terminally tacky
troop-mate.
He actually went into shock during that crisis …
Ahhh …one day we’ll tell you all about it!

Site last updated Tuesday November 20, 2007.

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